Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
