I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
