the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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