You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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