Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
