I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
