Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
