so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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