please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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