Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
