btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
