i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
