Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
