My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
