my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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