I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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