goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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