I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
