I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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