I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
