yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
