it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
