I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
