you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
