Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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