we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
