just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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