there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The uberlube is also flammable
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
