i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You are the jesus of drinking
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
