just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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