Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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