Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
19 Teachers Share the Funniest Items Brought to “Show and Tell”
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
If its not for food we ain't going out.