He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
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he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is