He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth