I heard we made out
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago