i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
