Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
