I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
