Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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