my phone needs a breathalizer
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
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he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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