I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
