When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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