eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
