I just pynch a tree in the face
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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