her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
