Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
