I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
