im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
