I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
50% drunk capacity currently
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
