I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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