I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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