What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
