The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
