Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
