These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
