I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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