I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
