there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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