I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
