My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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